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Keeping It Off the Wall
by Ed Donath

The Untold Story
6/3/05

Athens, NY—IF there is actually some Indy 500-related material that the loyal fans of our beloved speed sport might care to read and discuss, rest assured that none of the "big stories" foisted upon us by the media before, during, and after the race fills the bill. Some non-delusional journalist or commentator needs to step forward to debunk these shill pieces.

What, no takers? Well, I guess it falls on this renegade scribe, as usual, to set the record straight.

The Big Danica Story:
Everyone from Robin Miller to Russell Jaslow to Joe Schlabotnik of the East Bumfunk Daily Rag has filed an expert opinion about Danica Patrick. It got ridiculous to the point where Ms. Patrick’s current importance and future impact on the world of motorsports completely eclipsed all of the other elements of this year’s Memorial Weekend NASCAR warm-up event—including Bruno Junqueira’s very serious injuries and the actual Indy podium occupants.

However, overlooked throughout this incessant perpetration of Danicamania are several important facts—not the least of which is that sex sells and money (Honda’s) talks. Equally important, it must be proclaimed that Champ Car-based organizational training has an invaluable and incalculable effect on any future open-wheel racing endeavor from engineering and set-up to driving to the functioning of pit crews.

The Untold Danica Story:
Lyn St. James behind the wheel of a mere 700-hp Honda-powered and engineered machine would crush this kid.

Runner-up Untold Story: Robby Gordon admits to tipping the scales at over 200 pounds.

The Big Michael Andretti Story:
This sonofawhinemaker claimed his first Indy 500 victory! He even went so far as to pull rank on his winning driver so he could steal a sloppy swig of milk from poor what’s-his-name’s ceremonial bottle.

These pertinent and undeniable facts were, again, overlooked: That money (Honda’s) talks and that Champ Car-based organizational training has an invaluable and incalculable effect on any future open-wheel racing endeavor from engineering and set-up to driving to the functioning of pit crews.

The Untold Michael Andretti Story:
Bryan Herta, Tony Kanaan, and Dario Franchitti behind the wheel of a mere 700-hp Honda-powered and engineered machine all have a better chance of winning the Indy 500—before they retire—than their boss ever did.

Runner-up Untold Story: Andretti’s facia bruta will not be engraved on the Borg-Warner Trophy.

The Big Re-Unification Story:
Before, during, and after Indy we were bombarded by a plethora of sappy reunification stories, rumors, and speculations. Aside from reports that Champ Car President Dick Eidswick and/or the OWRS headcheese himself have met with the Speedway inheritor and/or his emissaries, there is a simple explanation for the media’s assumptions.

While motorsports website sensationalists and rumor mongers should certainly be held accountable for their self-serving actions, the regular press—namely those who write about the Indianapolis 500 by specific assignment—cannot be blamed for their observations and assumptions. Month of May-only racing fans, like the regular press, are fed all of their open-wheel racing "news" by the f-inheritor spin machine and by track and/or TV announce teams.

The Untold Re-inification Story:
With nearly every important CART team and many of its prominent drivers already on display, the addition of the names of such generally well-known personalities as David Letterman and Paul Newman to the roster of Indy 500 car owners is certainly not helpful to the Champ Car cause. Further complicated by the ongoing drum beatings of the famous father of this year’s Indy 500 winner, it has been determined by seasoned businessmen like Kevin Kalkhoven and Dick Eidswick that the best defense is a good offense.

Nonetheless, in the absence of a buy-out, we all know that there will never be a merger and that turncoats will be turncoats.

Runner-up Untold Story: Like Paul Tacy, Bruno Junqueira will come to the conclusion that he would rather be the Champ Car World Series Champion than an Indy 500 winner. Unfortunately, Junky’s chances of accomplishing either goal in 2005 have been shattered by the collective spin machines.

Road Rage! An op-ed feature by Ed Donath.

Copyright © 2005 by Ed Donath and Deep Throttle. All Rights Reserved.

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