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Uncensored CΛRT Commentary
by Ed Donath

Uncensored, indeed!
4/17/03

ATHENS, NY—Bunkers have been a popular topic lately. It’s not that raining smart bomb tonnage on terrorists and recalcitrant dictatorial scum bothers me, but recent frequent references to subterranean fortresses painfully jolts my memory back to the difficult year-and-a-day spent underground as a result of Uncle Joe Heitzler’s wormy propaganda ministers classifying me as persona non grata.

Clever name-calling and occasional graphic descriptions and assessments of CΛRT insiders and their selfish, hypocritical ways is what led to the cessation of my press credentialing and banishment to the underground during those troubled times. However, as angry and frustrated as the bashers, deserters, double-dealers, henchmen and inept dimwits have gotten me at any given moment, it has never once crossed my mind to refer to them in a scatological manner.

Therefore, I was quite surprised—shocked, actually—to read Grandpa Chris’ latest comment about the abandoning team owners in a 4/12/03 Orange County Register interview piece by Damian Dottore.

Chris Pook’s answer to Dottore’s “What did you say to the established teams that went to the IRL?” question:

“Don't let the door hit you on your (butt) on the way out. There are a couple of them I have a great admiration for and continue to respect. But there’s a couple that I have absolutely no respect for,” Grandpa Chris went on the record.

He probably should have stopped right there, but NOooooooooo—he just couldn’t resist going over the top with this very un-CEO-like comment:

“I wouldn't relieve myself on their brains even if they were on fire. These are guys who made their living on the CART circuit. They would have been nothing without this series. They were part of the equation of it going wrong, and then they turn around and badmouth it and trash it and then move on...That bothers me.”

At least Grandpa Chris could have kept his scatology within the context of our beloved speed sport. Perhaps a racing reference such as: “I wouldn’t use my personal hose to help them dowse a methanol fire.”

Or maybe something like: “I wouldn’t help de-odorize the stench of them by breaking wind in their paddock stalls.”

See what I mean? It just doesn’t sound right no matter how you say it.

And then there’s…

…the ongoing Road America imbroglio and yet-uncensored Mario Andretti’s involvement in it. Thus far, purportedly, as a result of the promoters’ non-payment of CΛRT sanctioning fees, the August 3rd event has been scotched from the schedule. Cross-litigation is pending.

As has been reported, Mario Andretti assumed the role of negotiator and is believed to have been instrumental in cobbling together a race-saving deal.

"I was concerned, no question,” Mario says, “but I think the fans were responsible because a lot of them voiced their displeasure [directly to CΛRT management] when Road America was taken off the schedule…CΛRT needs to stay diversified and Elkhart Lake is part of our heritage."

So far/so good. But in the reportage of Mario’s activities it comes out—and I quote Robin Miller—“The legendary racer said that if CART lost Road America and the rival Indy Racing League picked it up, he'd start following the IRL (which he openly disdains).”

Has the mystery interview question discussed in one of my own recent commentaries finally been identified? If so, then I believe the same fans that voiced their displeasure to CΛRT management over Road America bungling should do the same when Mario Andretti shoots off his public mouth like a loose cannon.

To reiterate what I wrote a month ago: Sadly, the time has come for Grandpa Chris and the board to make sure that the Icon of Speed minds his P’s and Q’s in his public pronouncements. He is, after all, a member of the CΛRT Board of Directors besides being a famous racing personality.

Even if Mario’s carelessness is unintentional or the result of family pressures, one loose-lipped member of the Andretti clan is one more than CΛRT should ever have to abide.

Copyright © 2003 by Ed Donath and Deep Throttle. All Rights Reserved.

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